An open letter to the creators of “Grown Ups 2”, from one of your biggest fans….

August 4, 2013

To Sony Pictures, Happy Madison Productions, et al.,

Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste….

Actually, that’s not me, that’s my boss. I haven’t been to anywhere NEAR the places he’s been to (I was in St. Petersburg once, but it didn’t look like any czars have ever been there. But that one Kardashian’s boyfriend who keeps knocking her up threw out the first pitch at Tropicana Field when I was there, so that was pretty awesome!)

I’m pretty new to my current place of employment. I can’t really tell you where it is, but I can never leave. But I can say that, yes, it really is as HOT as everybody says it is. And being one of the bosses minions (we’re not as cute as those yellow ones in that movie, but many of us only have one eye), the only internet we get is 56k.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell all of you how FANTASTIC your movie “Grown Ups 2” was! Yeah, it only got a 7% from Rottentomatoes.com, but what do stuck up critics know.

They care about stupid things like story and characterization and things making sense. When I saw it, it was after work, and all I wanted to do was get wasted. Well, mission accomplished. And I did it while watching your movie, and I felt like I didn’t miss a thing!

I love that it starts right off with the jokes. When that deer pissed all over Adam Sandler’s face, then in the very next shot, his face and hair and shirt were all dry, like Sandler couldn’t even be bothered to maintain continuity… well, being wet in a T-shirt sucks if you’re not a hot chick in a wet T-shirt contest, so I don’t blame him.

And kudos on all the hot women with big breasts in the movie! And for those breasts to be prominently featured at all times (especially since it’s advertised as a family movie and all.)  It’s like women only exist to be hot, or be butch, or be crazy stalkers. I never really had a real girlfriend for any real length of time, but that’s pretty much my experience with women, so thank you for portraying such an honest portrayal.

It looks like the guys are having fun, like they’re on vacation. They’re just chillin and looking at all the hot women, and not putting ANY effort into being funny. I’m mean, if I was David Spade, I don’t even have to try to be funny. I just know that everything I do or say is automatically HYSTERICAL! That’s why I’m on that TV show that’s been on for years that nobody really watches or even knows when it comes on.

I love when Kevin James’s character does his patented burp-snart (or burp-sneeze-fart)… laughed my ass off!! And it’s like he knew it was brilliant, because he did it like every five minutes! I’ve burp-snarted eight times since I started writing this. Make that nine!!! 😀

And Nick Swardson… what can I say! It’s like he doesn’t even TRY to be funny… BUT HE IS!! The way he just acts hyper while standing around in tighty whiteys or wearing women’s makeup or making out with a dog… THAT’S COMEDY!! I can’t get enough of him!

But I don’t know why some of the people look embarrassed to be in the movie. I mean, why does Colin Quinn look so miserable? Or Chris Rock? What about Steve Buscemi, like you have anything BETTER to do?! Even Kevin James, when he’s not burp-snarting, looks like he’d rather be doing something else.

I read (according to boxofficemojo.com) the movie cost 80 million dollars to make. It’s not like “Pacific Rim”, where I can see where all the money went. That must mean that all you guys in the movie made most of that money, for just standing around and pretending to be funny! I would LOVE to make that sort of coin while being pampered and doing nothing.

But I wanna defend the movie from critics who say the movie has no structure. The movie begins with the peeing deer that Sandler saves from attacking his family by distracting it with his daughter’s favorite doll. When the deer destroys the doll, the doll is repaired by the gay aerobics instructor who happens to sew. Then, when evil Taylor Lautner taunts Sandler at the end of the movie by waving it in front of his own crotch, the deer sees the doll and rams Lautner right in his crotch! (Oops, I probably should’ve said SPOILER ALERT.) I believe in the business that is known as a callback. See, structure… BOOM!

Even though critics hate the movie for whatever reason, the movie has made 116 million dollars. So there, the people have spoken. That’s what we want. So why should we complain when we’re OBVIOUSLY getting what we want?

All of the people involved have worked hard to get where they are in their careers and never sold their souls to my boss to get there. I checked the files. Like I said, I LOVED every lazy second of it.

So keep doing what you’re doing! And I can’t wait for “Grown Ups 3”! But you know what you should do? Make it in 3D. The deer-pissing will be even MORE awesome!

Sincerely yours,

A dutiful servant of S.

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Written by Cameron Posted in Miscellany Tagged with Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, David Spade, Film, Grown Ups, Grown Ups 2, Humor, Kevin James, Movies, Nick Swardson, Satire